We’re all surrounded by ghosts, some more than others, but it’s easy to feel them. I see their friendly (and not so friendly) shadows each time I go out, every now and then when I’m on my own or in the reflection the mirror sends back to me.
I feel them walking around, haunting me, some more alive than others.
Lately I’ve been feeling the threatening presence of one in particular. He’s both small and big, and sneaky as hell. He’s everywhere: In the smile of that unknown old man that called you “gorgeous”, in the disturbing looks of some lost teenager, and in the upsetting questions of that man who stopped you in the street, knowing your name.
I call it a ghost because of its hunting nature and the way it got inside me, in every little corner. We have a bit of story together, you know. It started with me being at school and I mean nothing THAT bad ever happened but I met some disgusting kids that didn’t care about what I wanted to do, what I was saying or what I would feel afterwards, and considering I was one of the tiniest girls, it sucked. it fucking sucked.
It came to me in some other ways too, not always in the form of a stalker but as a hostile presence near me.
Uhm…. what are you talking about, Cam?
I’m talking about each dumb form of harassment and disgusting feelings you can get because you’re you (a girl, a queer person or just not average) and the world sucks.
With the strange past year I’ve had my brain has become a very creative factory of all those thoughts I don’t say outloud, the burning desire of punching the next guy that tries to make me uncomfortable while I walk home and the craziest strategies to get away from anyone I find unworthy of my trust.
Cam’s Reason to be that nervous, #1: Long story short, a few days ago a man stopped me while I was on my way to the bus stop, started asking me a lot of questions (where I lived, my personal activities, the place I’m from…) and just when I was about to leave, he said “Ok, bye Camila” when I clearly didn’t tell him my name. It makes me so nervous I don’t feel comfortable anymore arriving home alone.
The sad thing is that we have (I have) to get better at it with time, at least for now, while we take action and start changing it: We either learn how to change it or keep living that way.
I can’t speak for everyone but I’m a very paranoid, exaggerated person in that matter that had to learn how to not give a fuck about everything, deal with her nerves and make the resting bitch face useful (which I kinda do well even if my tiny size doesn’t help much), so… yeah.
You’re reaching the end of this, pal!
a. Humans make me mad
b. Being nervous about everything makes me feel dumb
c. The world makes me mad
d. I don’t like being tiny
e. I wish I was a ninja