The Boyfriend Handbook

Yes, I’m really new at this and very confused most of the time.

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

Dear universe,

He’s spooky.

I have a hard time liking people, I dislike most human contact and I’ve always been suspicious in anything related with stranger’s intentions, making me a kinda awkward person to be around constantly struggling to get things right. I don’t know when can I call someone a friend, how to bond with strangers or how to be around someone quietly without making him feel awkward, and almost two and a half years ago a new complication got into the mix: The boyfriend.

Cam’s Brain (#1): It’s not that he’s an issue issue, the issue is that he’s another kind of human who I don’t know how to deal with either.

Starting a research project, part 1

After a short search in the second best source for common words AKA Urban Dictionary, I settled with definition #11:

1. The guy who astonishes “the girlfriend” in every conversation.

2. The guy who you can’t get enough of.

3. The guy who shares mutual respect, care, friendship, and fellowship with his girlfriend.

4. Your favorite guy… ever!

Other ones included expressions like “the only guy who’s not an asshole”, “the nice guy you settle down for when the hot ones are total manwhores” and “he’s kinda decent”, which might apply in some cases but get a bit too specific.

My point here is that this type of relationship is ruled by different conditions than normal relationships, like the ones that rule friends, classmates or family’s relationships.

Cam’s regular night

This is the part where it all gets tricky

As someone that really enjoys googling about everything I’ve tried to google those conditions so many times I don’t know where to begin. From “how to tell your boyfriend to stop being late all the time” to “what should I get him as a birthday present”, I’ve been through a lot of websites talking about boyfriends, some with really fun content and others clearly written by someone with inner rage issues or a passive agressive bitchy ex-girlfriend.

So my veredict is that boyfriends are weird, there are no rules for that domain in particular and we’ll all have to improvise and hope for the best, which is exactly why this precious gift I’m making to the world is so relevalt…

The Boyfriend Handbook (or what I’ve learnt in this past years)

  1. Make him your best friend: Trust him, bully him (in a survivable way), gossip with him. All I’m gonna say is that is useful as fuck.
  2. Don’t go to sleep angry: Even if you would like to literally take his head off, don’t do it. Just no. It’ll get inside your dreams, make you wake up upset, ruin the following day… Also what if there’s a huge meteorite falling while you were both asleep? I don’t think you wish “You know what? Nevermind” as your last words.
  3. Speak out: I do this way too much and it also gets me into trouble but I find it healthier than keeping everything inside and letting it snowball (is this an actual expression?).
  4. Get fat: But just a little bit. Food is awesome. Say always yes to food.
  5. Be dumb: Get flirty, send dumb memes, make up inner jokes, don’t take things to seriously, be gross, be weird, weird each other out!
  6. Send pride away but don’t lose dignity: Accept your mistakes but don’t let anyone pass over you.
  7. Don’t scare him (too much): Don’t be a control freak (I’m a control freak, please don’t do it, it’s just a bad idea), they’re often (too) delicate creatures inside.
Cheat code: In case of panic, send this and all your problems will go away

And at last, here’s a really personal thought: Don’t be stupid

Don’t fool around with break ups until you reach a point where it doesn’t make sense anymore. I don’t have much experience to say this, since I’ve never had one… but I’ve learnt a little bit from all the failed relationships I’ve heard about.

When you feel like using the magic words, think about it as a permanent thing or they’ll lose all it’s power. Yes, I understand discussing about what’s the best ice cream flavor or if lettuce can be served warm (the answer is no) can get steamy, but is that a reason to throw everything away? To lose the chance of seeing a person being really good at chugging beer, taking care of sick kittens or making the best coffee you’ll ever drink?

Cam’s Brain (#2): For example a while ago he discovered I’m really into quad bikes and I drive like a crazy person. He had no idea and my sick driving skills made him think we were going to die. HELL OF A DAY.

If you’re still here, remember I’m clueless and I improvise on the way. If not even Google knows the answer, what would I know?

And of course this works the other way too

I might not know what to do with a boyfriend, when to feed him or how many calls are too many calls, but I feel like I get played a lot too. Since I don’t have a good reference system I don’t know which things are cool and which are not and it’s really funny because I keep asking him about it.

Hey, are normal boyfriends like that?

Does this thing happen in every relationship?

Hey, why are you doing this? Are other guys like you too?

– Cam on a daily basis

Looking at it from that perspecive, it gets even harder to google. There’s no guide either on what’s wrong or what’s right and I’m guessing it depends a lot on the persons involved.

I wish there was cheat code to crack all the mysteries of the human mind, understand why a 45 minutes delay means 5 minutes in his world, and why is it still not ok to call persons “nugget”.

Dear universe, you’re mean.

With love (and high hopes on getting an answer),

Cam.

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